It was a Monday afternoon, the third day of a Womens Retreat at Haramara Resort, Sayulita, Mexico – I was attending a 7 day imersion into ritual, Breathwork and sisterhood as part of a 12 month Sex Love and Relationship Coaching Certification course.
I had butterflies in my stomach, I felt physically sick, actually, I just wanted to run and hide.
We had just been shown a demo of a Breathwork session we were to do with a partner where we were connecting to our heart space. Heart has terrified me ever since my 13 year old soon Tyson died in 2007 – I had that sucker under lock and key and NO WAY, for NO ONE was I going to go there…
Until I did…
We had to choose a partner to work with for the session, I closed my eyes, took a couple of deep breaths and opened them to a goddess/angel pushing women out of the way to get to me – the connection was deep and instant.
When we were discussing the boundaries and ways we wanted to be supported during the session, we discovered that we had both lost children and were both feeling the same nervous flight response to working with our heart a true match made in heaven.
During the breathwork session the invitation was to breath into my heart space and just allow my body/voice to release whatever it needed to.
In somatic psychology Trauma is not the body being stuck in the trauma state, it is more the body being stuck in the experience of what it wanted to do instead of the trauma…. yeah, I know, slightly ambiguous but worth really thinking about for a minute or two.
A shortened version of Tyson’s death is that he died of complications from cancer at our home and we had him with us until the next day when the funeral parlour came to collect him.
After they left I stood on the back deck (we lived on 5 acres of bush) and started screaming, a deep primal sound of my soul ripping and releasing.
My well meaning family rushed to me to silence me and comfort me. Little did we know that they were interrupting a cycle that my body needed to go through to release grief from my body.
For the next 11 years I stored that pain in my body, not being vocal with my grief, not crying, being “strong” for everyone else… I was terrified of showing emotion in case I broke the world, or broke the people I loved.
What I was really doing was withdrawing deep into my pain and numbing myself with alcohol.
During that Breathwork session in Mexico, I was able to go back to that moment in time where I was standing on the verandah of my home and complete the scream, to move my body how it wanted to move and release from my cells that long held pain of loosing my son.
Since then, with more breathwork and the other incredible tools I have been learning throughout the course, I have transformed much of my pain and suffering into joy and pleasure.
To truly come home to my grief, I have come home to my body.Commi